MISANTHROPY MADE EASY: JIM TIERNEY

Jim Tierney has a created a handsome, essential guide to master misanthropy (click picture for larger version). Check his site for more quirky, vintage style drawings.

With the utmost respect to Mr. Tierney, I have a few suggestions on taking one's hatred of mankind (and womankind) to a party:

1. On the topic of gadgets, voicemail will give you 30 seconds of escape time tops, but texts, tweets and emails provide endless opportunities to avoid conversation and prove that you are A. too busy for this party and B. better than everyone there.

2. When fidgeting, try drumming. Using your right hand for the constant high hat tick and your left to man the snare, tap your right foot as the bass beat. Now follow every 4/4 indie rock/ironic club song playing at the party as if you were the actual drummer (stare blankly as to not let on how much you are actually concentrating). For advanced players, play double bass drum and do the fills too. If you are indeed a fidgeter, you might as well let everyone imagine you're a musician instead of just a nervous shut-in. (note: play confidently, the music will be far too loud for anyone to hear you)

3. When wandering, hit the bathroom at least a few times (not literally unless you're an experienced misanthrope), if your party is in the late hours, there should be a line (this suggests you're totally doing something other than just lurking) and more than likely something interesting/disgusting will happen.

4. Folding and tearing paper is essential. Bring plenty of bottled drinks so that you can peel off the label. Bonus points for foil transfers onto the wooden arm of the chair you're sitting in. (thank high school kids for pioneering this worthless activity)

5. Experienced misanthropes (if not already incarcerated or moved to Alaska) know that beer is not to sipped but guzzled in attempt to finally break free from your pent-up rage at humanity by screaming at the top of your lungs about the hypocrisy you see in every person at the party. In this case the liquor serves three purposes: A. It will stop you from shaking as you clearly depend on it to get you through life now (see label peeling). B. It's possible the booze may make you belligerent enough to call out everyone in the room. BUT let's be honest, you will NEVER be able to do this so C. the alcohol will dull the pain of your inevitable heart attack and ensure your death which is what you wanted anyway.

Note: These comments are not approved by Mr. Tierney and are not meant in any way to disrespect him or his work or Joaquin Phoenix.
(via My Love For You Is a Stampede of Horses)